Lagniappe: Power Up Your Produce

Spring is here and it's the time of fantastic renewal and change and fresh starts and blah blah blah. I love it. I love having the doors to the balcony thrown wide open, feeling the fresh breeze waft in, and listening to my 21-year-old neighbours shout loudly to each other in the parking lot in an attempt to convince women to have sex with them. Magical. I really do love it.

Aaaaaaanyway the last six months of my life have been a rollercoaster to say the least, where the peaks are highs of incomparable thrill and the lows are basically just being catapulted through a literal storm of shit at 85 mph.

But now it's spring, the time of change and *upgrade*, and since that dumpster fire is now behind me I am super stoked about all the new and exciting things coming up.

In light of this concept of upgrading, I'm here today to talk to you about your fridge! That mechanical container of wonder that holds within itself a world of new possibilities. I love the fridge. I also love what's inside it. So let's get on to upgrading your fridge game, yo.

Just as a disclaimer, I haven't been paid by any of these companies to toot their horns. I never endorse stuff I don't personally love and it doesn't matter to me if I get paid for it or not. It would be sweet as ~hell~ if they DID decide to pay me, though. It's grace@lekkerandliquor.com by the way. Just...just in case. (And if you think I *might* like your stuff, e-mail me and let's talk!)

EGGS
If you’re used to buying the standard white-shelled cheapest-you-can-get orbs of sadness, I can’t stress enough how much BETTER the organic* free range** pastured*** varieties are.

I KNOW I KNOW dirt-worshipping-tree-hugger blah blah blah but seriously, listen to me for a second. The yolks of the fancy pants eggs are this incredibly deep, bright orange with so much flavour—not to mention more vitamins and minerals. When compared to the anemic and pitiful pale yellow yolks of the usual cage farmed eggs, you’ll realize pretty quickly it’s a no brainer. You’ll probably have the best shot at finding fresh pastured eggs at your local farmer’s market or CSA, but most grocery shops now carry at least organic free range varieties.

*In order to earn the USDA “organic” stamp, the chickens are to be fed only organic feed and are certified to be free of antibiotics.
**The term “free range” has a looser definition and generally indicates that the chickens are not caged and can move about "freely" with "access" to the outdoors, but it could be as a member of a horde of 5000 all try to squeeze out through a cat flap for as little as 5 minutes in the sun per day.
***Pastured/grass-fed is what you’re ideally going for; this means that the chickens have ample access to the outdoors where they can be their natural chicken-y selves. That means scratching in the dirt, eating insects, getting sunshine, and being an overall healthier chicken. Better chicken, better egg.

CARROTS
Did you know that carrots come in multiple colors like purple, yellow, and white? In fact, carrots were grown in these colors for hundreds of years before the standard orange we know was developed. If you’re making a salad or some roasted vegetables, the extra colors make it so much more visually interesting! Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods (and even Publix now, if you're in the south) often carry them, if you have one of those near you.

CUCUMBERS
Standard cucumbers are boring. Their overly waxy peels never seem to get clean enough, and generally they’re just a sort of light green soggy mess with lots of bitter seeds. Enter: English cucumbers. Long (generally between 10-14 inches) and slim and usually shrinkwrapped, these bad boys are nothing like their boring cousins. With no seeds and a firm flesh they’ve got a fantastic crunch and snap to them, making them the perfect upgraded addition to your salads.

TOMATOES
I get that there are a ton of varieties and it can be annoying to stand there in the produce aisle and try to decide, so you just grab the nearest red thing and get out of there. But if you’re making a tomato-heavy dish like Caprese salad, a tomato basil salad, or any salad really, spring for heirloom tomatoes. They come in tons of colors (orange, bright yellow, green, purple, white, striped, and polka dotted) and odd shapes for maximum visual appeal.

LETTUCE
Stop being a sad sack with that iceberg bullshit. Yes it’s cheap and crunchy but it’s also colorless and useless from a nutritional standpoint. At least upgrade to Romaine lettuce, but also explore the spring mixes, the Boston lettuces (gorgeous, and BOMB on burgers and perfect for lettuce wraps), the Bibb lettuces, and the sweet & crunchy blends. It’s a big wide lettuce world out there, my friend. And most of them now come pre-chopped and pre-washed in bags, making it truly convenient for even the laziest among us.
 

ARUGULA/RUCOLA/ROCKET
Speaking of greens, if you enjoy a standard spinach salad on the reg or often stir it into soups for an extra nutritional boost, give arugula a try instead. Also known as rucola or rocket, this peppery green has a visually interesting shape and a sharper flavor than most lettuces. One of the simplest and most sophisticated salads you can throw together is a pile of arugula leaves sprinkled with pine nuts and freshly grated Parmesan, tossed with extra virgin olive oil, lemon juice, and salt and pepper. SEXY. (Also incredibly delicious tossed with a bit of Parma ham, burrata cheese, olive oil, and S & P.)
 

PARMESAN
And while we’re at it, PLEASE for the love of god stop using that powdered stuff in the green canister for serious food. It’s fine for the childhood dish of buttered noodles but when it comes to chic salads, pastas, or basically anything else, buy a wedge of the good fresh stuff (the best comes from Italy of course) and grate or shave it fresh. You’ll be amazed at the difference, and it keeps in the fridge forever when wrapped tightly in clingfilm.
 

MOZZARELLA
Since I’m on a roll here, who likes mozzarella? Everyone. If you don’t like mozz it’s probably because you’ve been eating the wrong kind, and by that I mean: cow’s milk. Did you know that mozzarella was (and still is, in Italy) originally made from the milk of water buffaloes? HOLY SHIT what a difference it makes.

Buffalo mozzarella (or mozzarella di bufala) is definitely harder to find than the bovine variety but I’ve found it in some Publixes in the south, Trader Joe’s up north, Whole Foods sporadically, Wegman’s regularly, and at Dean & Deluca. Most local private cheese shops will also special order it for you if you ask nicely.
(Sidenote: All that said, I'm going to ruin your life with some utterly bizarre buffalo mozzarella news. Click here.)
 

PICKLES
First of all, why is Vlasic’s spokes-animal a stork? What do storks have to do with pickles? Anyway it doesn’t matter because Vlasic pickles in all their gray-green glory are the absolute worst, and you should be eating Claussen pickles instead. Look for them in the refrigerated section, usually by the cold cuts because they’re cold cured and never heated so the cukes retain their INCREDIBLE crunch. No, I’m not being paid by Claussen to say this, so, ey-yooooo, if they felt like hooking me up with a lifetime supply I would be totally down with that, you’re welcome Claussen.

Oh, and pickles are fucking cucumbers, by the way. I recently had to explain that fact to a grown man. They are pickled cucumbers. Bye.
 

And now to round out the list, two of the absolute basics:

BREAD
Nothing says “I am still a freshman in college” louder than a bag of spongey soft white nothing bread. As a grown ass adult you should know by now that it holds absolutely no nutritional value for you, but if you still refuse to go the multi or whole grain route at least switch it up with some other, more interesting white breads: sourdough, Tuscan pane, French baguette, ciabatta, and boule come to mind. Oh, and don’t keep bread in the fridge. I’ve never understood why people do this, but it dries it out more quickly.
 

BUTTER
If you’re a die-hard butter lover (as opposed to the chemical shitstorm known as margarine, which NO ONE should be eating), try upgrading from your usual sticks or tub to Kerrygold Irish Butter. Oh baby. Oh YEAH BABY. This stuff is GOLD, so I get the name. I swear it’s unlike any other butter I’ve ever tried. Sweet and salty and rich and creamy with no lardy or oily aftertaste it is my Achilles heel, and spread onto warm crusty French bread it is absolute nirvana.

This article has to end now because I’ve drooled all over my keyboard so much it’s starting to make weird sparking noises, but go forth you sexy and sophisticated ladies and gents! First the fridge, then the world.

This has been reprinted with permission from an article I wrote for the rad folks over at The Magnifier, a division of VaynerMedia.

Update 2018: Regrettably, The Magnifier no longer exists.

Lekker: Cheesy Polenta & Collard Greens

Ey yo! Long time no see!

Being back on that college grind means my entire diet has basically been whittled down to the "cheap and healthy" choices of 1) salad and 2) eggs on toast.

That's it.

When I go home and visit my Dad on the weekends, I get crazy and eat some chicken, and drink a beer. It is like a madhouse up in here, y'all.

HOWEVER, this weekend I got the inordinate thrill of actually--gasp--COOKING A MEAL. And it was grand, because I discovered the joys of polenta a few months ago and it is absolutely my new favourite comfort food. In my highly unhumble opinion it's pretty much on par with mashed potatoes when done right, and I think it's the cheesiness that does it.

Polenta is historically a peasant's dish from back in Ye Olde Long Ass Time Ago (around the 16th century if you want to get technical), because essentially it's just cornmeal boiled with water into a porridge. Gruel.

Yeah that's right. I'm teaching you how to make gruel, you filthy Roman slave. 

For the rest of this post, you may envision me this way. Triple bonus points if you actually know who this is.

Anyway, back on track.

A quirk of polenta is that it has a very short "plate life", just FYI. It can sort of gum up fairly quickly, so if you're adding it to part of another meal you want to make sure you've got everything else ready to go before the polenta is finished. It also doesn't reheat really well so don't make more than you need, BUT if you do, next-day polenta can be cut into pieces and either fried or grilled and is REALLY delicious that way.

Don't be put off by that. Don't be lazy. 

Oh, and one last thing--since polenta is a starch you can pair it with just about anything your heart desires, but I was craving a Southern feel (and bacon was on sale, because there is a God) so I went ahead and mixed up a batch of my Bacon Braised Collard Greens to put on top. And then, of course, a crown of poached egg at the summit of this deliciousness, because if it CAN be topped with an egg, I will do it.

CHEESY POLENTA
serves about 4 Roman slaves if they are skinny, or 2 Roman Slave Lords if you want a bit of leftovers
 

WHAT YOU NEED

• 3/4 cup fine yellow cornmeal
• 2 cups chicken broth or stock
• 1 cup dry white wine (not a sweet one like Moscato or Riesling)
• 3/4 cup grated sharp white cheddar (Cabot is the shit. Like, bar none the best non-specialty cheddar you can find at the grocery store, IMO.)
• 1/2 teaspoon paprika
• fresh cracked pepper
   

WHAT YOU DO

1. It's really easy. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, bring the broth and wine to a rapid simmer. Let simmer for about 6-8 minutes to let the alcohol in the wine cook off. Then slowly sprinkle in the cornmeal, paprika, and a bit of pepper, whisking constantly to avoid any lumps. It'll thicken up immediately and look like bubbling lava. Yummy! Turn the heat down to low, cover, and simmer gently for 15 minutes, stirring often.

2. It should only take about 15 minutes to cook, so at this point stir in the cheese until it's nice and melty. The consistency should be smooth with no lumps. If it's looking too thick for you after the cheese has been added, stir in a little more broth or water to thin it out (I like mine thinner) and serve immediately. 

If you like, you can add some chopped fresh parsley or chives for some pretty colour; I just didn't have any. This recipe is bound to pop up again because there's so many variations I want to try, like...a baked chorizo, egg and polenta breakfast skillet...coming soon! (ish)

Lagniappe: How to Boil an Egg

Today's post is an instructional one, since several of my recipes recently have called for hard or soft boiled egg of some sort and I've been eating a lot of them, too. In fact, I recently discovered that it is ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUSLY POSSIBLE to make egg salad without any mayo whatsoever. Yep, just do a half-and-half mixture of plain Greek yogurt and avocado, mix in an acid of your choice (I dig Dijon mustard) and salt and pepper, and you've got yourself a fantastically light green, rich, lean egg salad. If you hate avocado (you're wrong) and simply have to have your mayo, at least do a 50/50 mix of mayo and Greek yogurt. I promise you will not notice the difference, and you'll have just cut your calories in half: one tablespoon of mayo has 90 calories, one tablespoon of Greek yogurt has 17 calories. Don't say I never did anything for ya!

 Photo from Bon Appetit, credit Danny Kim

Anyway, back to boiling eggs. Everyone has their own way of doing this and everyone's so sure they're right, but I'm pretty sure I'm the MOST right. You'll notice I reference "piercing" the eggs--this is SOP in South Africa and Europe but I find it's not as well-known here. Y'all are at a disadvantage! Piercing the large end of the eggs make the shells less likely to crack during boiling, and I think it makes them infinitely easier to peel, too. I use a gadget like this one, but you can also just use a pin or a needle.

It's simple! Place the pierced eggs in a medium sized pot and cover with cold salted water. Use a big enough pot so that the eggs can have room to move, and enough water such that the eggs are covered by at least an inch. Cover and bring to a boil. The SECOND it comes to a boil, start the timer for 1 minute. After 1 minute of boiling, remove the pot from the heat and let sit, covered, for 12 minutes. When the 12 minutes are up, immediately dump them into a bowl of ice cold water to shock them. This instantly stops the cooking process. Wait 'til they're fully chilled, and peel. Dunzo.

Soft boiled eggs are a bit trickier. That was my favourite breakfast as a kid: soft boiled eggs with little toast soldiers for dipping. I'm 23 years old and that is STILL my most comforting breakfast! The way I like them, with very soft yolks, is to bring a pot of salted water to a rolling boil. Pierce the eggs and lower them gently into the water with a slotted spoon. Boil for 5 minutes, then shock with ice water. "Decapitate" them (slice off the top 1/3 with a sharp knife) and serve in an egg cup with sliced toast for dipping.

There's also an in-between egg, the kind that's served on top of soups, sort of a medium. It's the exact same instructions as a soft boiled egg, but you cook it for 7 minutes instead of 5.

Bon Appetit has the most amasing visual graphic here, if like me, you like pictures. And it is because they have this lovely graphic that I don't have to bother with taking my OWN multiple egg pictures. Everybody wins.

Bon Appetit!

Lekker: Bacon Wrapped Baked Eggs

This post is about bacon. That alone should be enough to grab your attention. How about breakfast for dinner? I'm a big fan of that, since my love for eggs is WELL documented, and usually by the time I am home and have had a glass of wine, breakfast is about as complicated as it gets around here! This little dish takes about 30 minutes to whip up start to finish and is fancy enough to do for a Sunday brunch, for a winkwinknudgenudge morning after, or to make yourself feel fancy for dinner. Bottom line: this stuff is the SHIT.

Give it a spin.

Serve with a fresh green salad for lunch, steamed/grilled/sauteed asparagus and feta for dinner, or with some cut fruit and a tall glass of OJ (read: mimosa) for breakfast.

Because bacon.

Bacon Wrapped Baked Eggs
makes 1 serving

What You Need
serves 1; scale up as needed, depending on how many guests you have the morning after--I'm not judging
2 slices bread OR a bit of Pillsbury croissant or biscuit dough (in the pop-open tins that are like jack-in-the-boxes for adults, that is to say, awful)
2 eggs
4 slices of bacon (thick cut, applewood smoked, whatever you like)
Optional: shredded cheddar cheese (yes), sliced scallions or green spring onions (yes), salt and pepper (of course) and/or anything else you like with your eggs.

What You Do
1. Preheat your oven to 375 and grease a muffin tin well. If you're using slices of bread, use a highball glass to stamp out two circles of bread, smooshing them down into the bottom and sides of the muffin tin. You'll want to spray the bread with whatever Pam or melted butter or whatever you used to grease the pan, too. If you're using the croissant dough, just unroll it and layer it on the bottom and sides of the muffin tin. That's stuff got enough grease on its own to be a musical.

 See?

2. Cook the bacon in the microwave until it's pliable but not cooked. Usually this takes only about a minute for me. Wrap two pieces in a "halo" of sorts above the bread, overlapping each other a bit.

3. You can add cheese/onions/herbs to the bottom and then pile the egg on top, or vice versa. Usually I do a bit of both. So, I drop a wee bit of sliced onions and shredded cheese on top of the bread, and crack an egg into that lovely little well you've made. Then top with more cheese, onions, salt and pepper, because you worked hard today putting up with all those idiots out there and you deserve it.

 Voila!

4. YOU'RE DONE. Pop into the oven for about 16 minutes and enjoy a whiskey drink, then remove. Depending on how hot your oven gets you might want to start checking at 14 minutes; take it out when the whites are solid and cooked through. Let it cool for about 3 minutes (this gives the bread and egg time to release itself from the sides of the muffin tin) and run a knife around the edges, popping out onto a warm plate. Serve with your vegetable of choice (to counteract all that whiskey and bacon, of course) and bask in the praise of whomever you've decided to bless with this.

Lekker: Hollandaise Sauce

It's Saturday morning, a beautiful, crisp, fall Saturday morning and I am NOT hungover today! Woo hoo! That means I could get up and mosey on down to the kitchen to whip up this breakfast of Eggs Florentine, giving me the opportunity to make some Hollandaise sauce from scratch.

We've already established how nuts I am for good sauces. They should be their own food group, and when you combine my favourite meal (breakfast) with my favourite thing (sauce---a BUTTER SAUCE) and my favourite drink (boozy breakfast drinks of course) you KNOW it's gonna be a great day. :)

Hollandaise is a very basic egg yolk and butter sauce, rich and thick and utterly creamy and decadent. You've had it on Eggs Benedict before, though it's delicious over vegetables like grilled asparagus (green, or if you want to be traditionally German, white) as well. Don't be intimidated if you've never made it before, just work slowly and one step at a time to avoid making the sauce "break" or letting the yolks scramble. I promise, it's worth the effort and truly only takes 10-15 minutes to whip up.

Thank god for weekends.

Hollandaise Sauce 
yields about 1 cup

What You Need
4 egg yolks
1 tablespoon lemon juice, fresh squeezed if you have it but I just used bottled
1 stick unsalted butter, melted
1/2 teaspoon salt, or more to taste
pinch of cayenne or chili powder

You'll need to create a "double-boiler" set up to make this sauce. The simplest method is to find a stainless steel bowl that will fit on top of a smaller pot so that water can steam underneath it without touching the bottom of the upper bowl. 

What You Do
1. Set a small pot of water on the stove and bring it to a gentle simmer. In a medium sized stainless steel bowl, whisk the egg yolks and lemon juice together until the mixture is thick and light yellow in color. Meanwhile, melt the butter in the microwave in a separate dish.

2. Place the mixing bowl on top of the pot of simmering water, whisking constantly. Drizzle the butter into the bowl in a thin stream until fully incorporated. The sauce will get thinner at this stage and you will need to make sure you are whisking CONSTANTLY (and keeping the water in the pot at a bare simmer) to avoid letting the yolks scramble. Keep whisking until the sauce thickens, only about a minute or two.

3. Remove from the heat and add the salt and cayenne pepper. Now, at this stage I found that it had gotten too thick for my liking, so I whisked in 1/2 tablespoon of warm water to thin it out.

I had this drizzled over two poached eggs, sitting on top of two pieces of wheat toast and some wilted baby spinach. It was, in a word, divine.

Lekker: Sriracha Butter

Look, I really don't care who you are or what you think you've done, you haven't lived yet until you've had sriracha butter.

It's true.

Even though Google is putting that squiggly little red line underneath "sriracha" like it's not a real word, it totally is and if you haven't heard of it yet (have you been living under a rock?) it's an Asian hot sauce. It's the one in the bottle with the cock on it.

No, seriously.

See?

My coworker Monkey Boy never shuts up about this stuff, he'll put it on everything--burgers, eggs, vegetables, open wounds, whatever. I on the other hand am honestly not much of a spicy-loving person; I don't see the point of torching your mouth to tatters during a meal. Why?!

This stuff is different--the perfect balance of spice, smokiness, kick and rich flavour that truly does go with just about everything. I particularly love it on eggs, as THIS, sriracha butter. The original recipe is from food goddess and source of all everything Martha Stewart, but I use anchovy paste to make my life simpler so here's how I make it:

Sriracha Butter
Makes 1 stick of butters' worth. Because you're using 1 stick of butter.That's how this works.

What You Need
1 stick of butter, softened (if you use unsalted like I usually do since that's what I have around for baking, make sure to add salt to taste too; the BEST butter and the king of ALL butters is Kerry Gold Irish Butter, so if you really want to be stellar you should use that)
1 clove of garlic, minced (yes, it's *raw* garlic in the butter; are you really gonna make that into a problem? If you're that afraid of raw garlic and your breath or whatever, you could sautee it for a few seconds I guess but now you're just making your life complicated--just have your boyfriend or whatever eat the same stuff and presto, you guys can both stink...although personally, I can't get down with someone who doesn't like garlic in the first place and that's a pretty real barometer of how I choose to date people.)
1 good squeeze from a tube of anchovy paste (God here we go again with the need for actual measurements...okay, I'd say I probably use about 1/2 a teaspoon. It doesn't taste fishy AT ALL, I promise--anchovy paste just adds an awesome depth of flavour to pretty much anything you care to throw it in.)
1 tablespoon sriracha/rooster sauce
Couple of turns from a fresh pepper grinder

What You Do
Mush it all together with a fork. Presto! Don't you love easy recipes? Impressive with so little effort.

As I said, I love this on eggs--I make an open faced fried egg sammich with two slices of whole wheat toast smothered in sriracha butter. On one side I layer a sliced avocado with plenty of salt with the egg on top; on the other side I stack fresh tomatoes topped with shredded Cheddar cheese and the other fried egg. Heaven. I've had this schmeared on corn too--also heaven. On steak? RIDICULOUS. Asparagus? You know it.

On steak. Oh yeah.

Lagniappe: Can It With Your Cholesterol Bullsh*t & Eat Some Eggs

Occasionally I'm going to blog about eating good food. Not food that just TASTES good, but is actually good FOR you. I'm fascinated with it and studied nutrition for a few years, but I am FAR from being an expert. I've just learned a few things over the years that help me to make healthier choices, because knowledge is power and NO ONE IS TEACHING US ABOUT FOOD. Nutrition and health classes (REAL health classes, not this condom-on-the-banana horsefeathers) are not mandatory in schools, and our parents' generation didn't have a tenth of the research and data on food and health that we do now, so where the hell else are you gonna learn it? RIGHT HERE KIDS.

I'm working on a blog entry about how to choose the correct cooking oil for whatever it is you're chilling with in the kitchen (and I wish I could fry the borderline-manic Rachel Ray in EVOO for the pusher than she is) but tonight, I'm talking about eggs. Incredible Edible Eggs. Those things that make you think "Who in the hell was the first person to see a chicken poop one of these things out and think 'Hey, I bet this shit's delicious!'?" Because, nothing will make me go from zero to Healthy Hulk faster than someone complaining "Oh I can't eat eggs because they're bad for my cholesterol."

BULLSHIT.

Your cholesterol is shitty because you eat triple fried chicken with a side of Crisco, not because of a couple of eggs. Get outta here with that nonsense.

I'm trying not to blame you for your ignorance, but I really want to shake you. Eggs have gotten a bad rap for YEARS and still do because smart, intelligent doctors are still drinking the same Kool Aid as everyone else. (Even the Mayo Clinic is still preaching this bullcrap on their website.) Did you know that the majority of medical school graduates receive 25 hours or less of nutrition education? When...

Hey, it isn't really their fault and I'm not slamming doctors. If they wanted to learn more about nutrition they'd have to do it on their own time and I don't know if you know any doctors but there is no such thing as your own time. Those residency schedules are cray. It's simply more an indictment of the general American culture that STILL does not understand what is displayed so nicely in that cute little poster above--what you put into your body is what you get out, and it's a complex dance that requires a bit of knowledge to make fun and life worth living.

/rant

Anyway, back to eggs.

Here's the thing: there are two types of cholesterol: dietary cholesterol and blood cholesterol. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING. It's the same WORD, but it's not the same thing. The type of cholesterol that is in eggs (primarily in the yolks) is not the same thing as the stuff that's coursing through your blood and building up in your arteries and can cause heart attacks. Trust me, I eat about two eggs every day and my cholesterol is lower than my bank account on the Thursday before payday, that is to say, practically nonexistent.

ASK MEN, of all damn places, has a fantastic article about it here. Go read it, because I've had three drinks already tonight and I am not typing all that out here for you.

You're back? Good. So we've established that eggs have very very very little to do with the bad cholesterol in your blood; they are FULL of essential vitamins, minerals and amino acids; and they're a fantastic source of complete protein that will keep you full and fueled without resorting to snacking on weak weight-gaining crap. Any more arguments?

Oh, I have one more: organic eggs.

I swear I'm not one of those health freaks that's going to bind you up with hemp rope in the kitchen (although that sounds kinda fun on a totally different level) and force feed wheatgrass down your throat. However, I'm also not an idiot--one day, cook yourself a regular cheap egg and an organic egg (which is probably cage free, hormone free and antibiotic free, too) and you can immediately see the difference. For one, the shells of the organic eggs are usually stronger instead of being weak and practically see-through. Why? Because the chickens making those spheres of deliciousness aren't pumped full of disgusting toxic medication, sick and dying of oozing festering infections, and sure to wind up ground up in your McNuggets shortly. You'll also notice the yolks are a more vibrant color and actually taste of something! Plus, you know, you won't be second-hand poisoning yourself with all the non-human-grade toxins, antibiotics, vaccines and shitty food that "they" put into those poor chickens. You are what you eat, fools, and you are what your food eats, too.

Don't sit here and use the argument that organic eggs are too expensive. Look I'm piss-poor too, but a dozen organic eggs costs me $4.69 which works out to be 39 cents per egg. Are you really going to bitch about spending 80 cents for breakfast?

Sidebar: I've heard there's such a thing as low-cholesterol eggs. That freaks me out. How are they controlling how much cholesterol is in an egg? That is freakin' weird and you shouldn't touch it because it doesn't make sense. Just give me a fresh egg from the butt of a healthy non-spastic chicken and I'm a happy gal. 

Eggs aren't just for breakfast either. For a busy single chick like me, they're the perfect hot and fast thing to cook up for dinner, and Lord knows I like hot and fast. I made a sandwich for dinner the other night that consisted of two pieces of wheat toast topped with sliced tomatoes, avocado, shredded cheddar cheese and one fried egg, sunny side up--and it was, in a word, DELICIOUS. As I always say...sometimes, truly simple is just delicious.

Vitamins, minerals and amino acids are served, y'all.

Lekker: Clean Eating Egg Muffins

Mornings suck. Well, most mornings. Weekend mornings are the best because they usually involve sleeping in late, cuddling up next to someone special, mimosas, and of course, bacon. However, something went wrong with the universe and time and space and we only have two weekend mornings and five weekday mornings per week, which is some crazy bullsh*t if you ask me, but there you have it. Weekday mornings are their own special kind of hell if you're not a peppy morning person and, like me, have the bar set so low that if you can make it out the door to work with coffee in hand and your dress on the right way out you're already impressed with yourself.

So, breakfast. Ain't nobody got time for that during the week.

But we know it's important! While coffee *is* an appetite suppressant, it's not enough to keep me from turning into a real Moody Judy until I can finally eat lunch at noon. And THEN, that's usually not enough to hold me over until 6:00 PM when I get home and can ravenously destroy something before I go to the gym. It's a terrible system and I would be grouchy in the mornings when my blood sugar bottomed out, and then feel guilty and stupid later on in the afternoon because I couldn't stop myself from snacking around 3:00 PM. These are all poor decisions when you're trying to eat right and make intelligent choices so you can binge guilt-free on the weekends.

I was looking for a reasonable solution that would not require any effort on my part in the morning and stumbled across this recipe on Pinterest. I gave it a whirl several weeks ago and have been hooked since. You can go to the original source recipe, of course, but here is my version that's pretty short, sweet & simple. I whip these up on a Sunday evening and it takes me about 15 minutes of prep plus the baking and cooling time. Even you can do this. One episode of New Girl and they're basically done.

Clean Eating Egg Muffins
makes 12 muffins, a dozen eggs = a dozen muffins so scale up or down however you want

What You Need
1 dozen eggs (I like organic eggs because I think regular eggs taste like weak nothing and will probably kill you, but you do you)
Veggies of your choice, finely diced (see list of suggestions below)
Salt/seasoning of your choice & pepper (I like Lawry's seasoning salt)

Optional: shredded cheese and/or diced meat. Obviously this adds more calories to it. I've never added meat because I try to eat a more vegetable heavy diet when possible, and if I'm going to eat meat it's going to be a delicious grilled steak or perfect French cut pork chops, not some sad soggy breakfast sausage. I used cheddar cheese the first time I made these, omitted it the second time and didn't miss it. Up to you, homie.

What You Do
1. Heat your oven to 375. Grease a muffin tin REALLY WELL with whatever spray you have around. You've already finely diced up your vegetables into little pieces, so throw those into the muffin tin all evenly.

2. Crack a dozen eggs into a bowl, add salt and pepper and whatever seasonings you like and beat it with a wire whisk like it stole from you.There should be all sorts of little frothy air bubbles in it. Gently pour that on top of your veggies; it'll soak in around all the spaces between the veggies nicely.

3. Bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes--for me, it's 16 minutes on the dot every time. They will be huge and probably will have run over the muffin pan a bit; chill out, it's not the end of the world. They're going to collapse as soon as you take them out of the oven. Let them cool for 5 minutes, then run a knife around the edges and pop them out onto a baking rack until they've cooled completely. Pack them up into a giant Ziloc bag and toss in your fridge. Grab two each morning, heat in the microwave for 1 minute and voila, low-cal, protein-packed breakfast goodness is served. I nosh on mine around 10 AM with a small glass of Naked's "Green Machine" juice smoothie and it keeps me full and focused until 2 PM.

Veggie Suggestions: My go-to is baby spinach, tomato, red bell pepper and scallions. Once I made a "Sante Fe" type version with red bell pepper, green bell pepper, lots of onion, cilantro and sriracha beaten into the eggs. That was the bomb dot com. Next week I plan to do a mushroom and broccoli run. Zucchini and cucumber have a lot of water in them so don't use those because it'll make the muffins all mushy. Just use your judgement; whatever you'd throw into an omelette you can throw in here.

I'm not a genius, I don't know what the nutritional content of these actually are but a whole organic egg has about 70-80 calories each, and if you keep out the cheese and meat this is ONLY GOOD THINGS that you can stuff your face with and feel awesome about doing it.

UPDATE 09.03.13: I just did a batch with diced baby bella mushrooms, kale and turkey pepperoni since that's what I had in the fridge for this week, and they are AWESOME! The turkey pepperoni only has 70 calories per 15 slices so I used 10 and diced it up finely. It adds a nice kick and richness and some salt too. I'm going to investigate using cupcake liners next time, though, because cleaning the pan every week is a real bitch of a task.

UPDATE 09.16.13: I did a broccoli, mushroom and pepperoni mix this weekend and tried to use cupcake liners. DO NOT DO THIS. The cupcake liners did jack nothing and got all soggy in the fridge and the egg muffin still stuck to that, so...that was a completely pointless endeavor. I'm going to try swinging by Target next pay day for a silicone muffin tin to see if that might be the final solution. (I can't say I cared for the broccoli in the muffins, either, and won't be doing that again.)

UPDATE 10.09.13: My dear friend Momma Bird told me that I should use the foil cupcake liners and remove the waxpaper liner that usually comes on the inside of those. GENIUS! Use the foil liners and spray those with Pam, and the muffins pop out of those much easier and cook more evenly too. 

I probably over-filled them a bit here, but to me it's NBD. You can fill them up to only 3/4 of the way if you want more "pristine" muffins. 

Eat with a glass of this for maximum superhero capabilities. Until lunch, anyway. (DON'T EVEN TELL ME YOU DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE IT'S GREEN. Stop it with that nonsense, you haven't even tried it yet. It's delicious.)